This is from my other blog, topics192.blogspot.com, so the references may be slightly obscure.

Lobola is the Ndebele or Zulu term for a bride price. (I believe West Africans have a similar thing, only not done with cattle). The idea is to give a gift of cattle to the girl’s parents as a thank you for raising their daughter well, and I suppose for allowing her to leave the home. The number of cattle given varies from family to family, and ethnic group to ethnic group (will explain further below).

Lobola was not meant to be a way to “buy” a bride. In the old days, it may even have been a way for the girl’s family to test the boy to see if he would later be able to provide for their daughter, as cattle have always been a sign of wealth in Southern Africa. Lobola is not forced on the boy (or his family); it is generally understood that a boy may never finish paying it. However, if something bad should happen, for instance if the wife died before the man finished paying lobola, it could lead to real problems between the two families, with the wife’s family refusing to attend their daughter’s funeral, or something equally bad. The point is that it is meant to be an agreement honored by both sides, an unspoken statement of good intention by the boy, and acquiescence by the girl’s family, as well as an agreement by both sides to unite the families in marriage.

The actual process is suitably complex. I will explain the Shona way, as that is what I am most familiar with. After the couple have decided to marry (which may be in the “Western” way, with a proposal on bended knee, candlelight and so on), the girl approaches her aunt or Tete (father’s sister, traditionally) to introduce her “boyfriend”. In formal Shona culture, you do not have a boyfriend/ girlfriend ever, and when you introduce someone to your family, it is expected that you do so with the intention of starting marriage proceedings. The family is made aware of this intention by the aunt; they then prepare to receive an emissary from the boy’s family.

The boy, in the meantime, has told his aunt as well, and at some point the aunts may meet with the couple to discuss things. After that, the boy chooses a male representative; and on a set date, they go to the girl’s home (often a largish group, perhaps ten people in total, specific relatives of the boy). The greater part of the group may initially remain outside the home or homestead, while the emissary waits until he is invited in (and, depending on the family, he may have to approach on his knees!). It is important to mention that the Shona have a tradition of showing respect or honor by a system of hand-clapping (kuwombera), which at this point is done to initiate conversation between the two parties. If you clap your hands in the traditional way, and do not receive hand-clapping in return, you can be sure that your reception is frosty! The girl’s family will have also chosen someone to speak for them, usually the girl’s uncle.

After all this, the emissary is to state his intention in a roundabout way. He may say something like, I have come to ask for fire, which is an agreed way of stating that he represents someone who has come to ask for a wife. The emissary may be given a positive response, and he may go back outside and bring the rest of his company in.

Everyone sits in a circle on the ground or floor on reed mats, facing each other. The emissary continues to speak for the boy, as the boy may not have direct speech with his prospective in-laws. The girl may be brought in with her sisters, and the emissary asked which daughter in particular he’s referring to (which is why he needs to know her beforehand!). The girl may be asked if she knows the people who have come to ask for her hand in marriage.

After this, the haggling begins. Traditionally, lobola is “quoted” in cattle, and the actual price is set by the girl’s family, according to whatever norms they prescribe to. It is divided into sections, and usually the father and mother are to be given actual live cattle (on paper- no one actually shows up with cattle, but at some point they must be moved physically to the girl’s parents’ rural home*). It may be a huge amount of money, enough to buy a car and property (perhaps sixteen cattle); or it may be a token amount (perhaps four cattle). The actual amount depends on the girl’s father, sometimes in consultation with the mother- but they will have decided this beforehand, and communicated it to their representative, as they sit in on the proceedings but do not say anything. The less haggling the boy’s family does, the better esteemed they are, as it is assumed they will come prepared for any price. The money is put into a traditional bowl or basket placed in the centre of the circle.

The groom's family are sometimes expected to bring groceries when they come; so while they negotiate, the bride and her sisters/friends/ cousins are in the kitchen, preparing a wonderful meal for everyone to eat after the negotiations are concluded happily. Usually all the negotiation is done within three hours or so, after which food may be served, and some of the formality relaxed, although the boy and the girl’s parents will still not mix freely. The boy’s parents are nowhere near any of this as it happens, and only get second-hand information later.

The bulk of the lobola goes to the parents of the girl, but at some point in the proceedings, the girl and her sisters come in and take some money from the bowl or basket (they are allowed to complain that it isn’t enough, and more must be put in).

And that’s lobola. After all this, the couple is considered traditionally married, and they may then move in together, have children, etc. What generally happens after this, though, is that after a few months, there is a church ceremony (a “white” wedding) and a reception (which may have 500 guests, invited and uninvited, as you can’t really not invite people in Africa- they show up anyway). The groom’s family buys all the drinks and meat, and the bride   pays for the venue, some of the food, her gown, cake, invitations, and bridal party’s clothes (from the portion of money she got from the lobola). The new couple generally expect to recoup the cost of the wedding from wedding gifts (cash or kind), which tend to be elaborate and extravagant, as the families try to out-do each other. The couple normally finds their own place to live, and in today’s Zimbabwe, you might have the girl move into the guy’s place or vice versa, as most young people are fully independent by the time they get married.

As a footnote, as so many Zimbabweans are not in Zimbabwe anymore, the process of lobola may be done in the absence of the boy. Some couples choose to have the lobola process done in their absence, if they are overseas, and then only come down for the church ceremony and reception. Some couples have two receptions, one at the groom’s, and another at the bride’s. Whichever way it is done, it is a long and costly exercise for all the parties involved, and some couples start out their married life in debt.

*Many Zimbabweans have two homes, an urban one, and a rural one, where the grandparents may still live- a kind of ancestral seat. When you ask a Zimbabwean where they come from, you would normally expect them to reply stating where their rural home is. This is where they keep livestock, farm, etc. Traditionally people from the same rural area are considered to be related.