"I am drowning, Lord. I am in over my head. Like the time I was in the dam, literally sinking into the muddy water, fearful because there was nothing to support me except the water that was trying to kill me, I am sinking now. Or it feels like I am. It may be that I do not trust that You are still there, that You are able to lift me out of this situation. It may be that I do not trust myself, because I do not feel like I have what's needed... aware of my inadequacy in this situation when everything I pretend is stripped away.

Yes. I am treading water, and I do not like it. I want to be able to manipulate the situation, to be able to stay in control. This is difficult for me, this not knowing what the next step is. Wouldn't it be easier for You, Lord, if You just handed the reins over to me, to do as I will?

Will You actually step down from Your throne for a few seconds, to move things on my behalf? Am I good enough for Your notice, Lord? Does my struggle matter to You? Because as the days drag on, it worries me more and more that maybe You it doesn't, that maybe You won't. But then- aren't You that God who IS love?

Will I die in this place, floundering until I can do no more, until I give up?

Or will I perhaps learn how to swim, when I finally give up struggling?"

Ps 121