I had a discussion on Twitter a few weeks ago about the church, sex, singleness, and the older Christian female. It's a conversation I have every few months with my friends, but that time I received a lot of DMs with some really interesting opinions.

One of my friends later sent me an email with her thoughts, and I have asked to share it on my blog, as she summarises the issues quite nicely. I hope it at least gets Christians thinking about some of the messages the church sends to older single women, and how those messages can make people leave the church. We know we're an inconvenient demographic, but here we are.

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I have a lot to say about the topic of being single in the church.

So what kind of questions/comments do I have? I'll bullet point to make it easy for you. And forgive the generalizations.

• Does the church view singleness as 'less than' being married? 

I know society does, and I get the sense that the church does too- maybe not intentionally but it certainly comes across that way. I've sat in many many sermons about marriage and walked out feeling inadequate and not important.

We had a marriage series at church a few years ago, and one guy preached that if you are not married, you are not obeying God because you are not going forth and multiplying. And he reckoned if you're unmarried at 25 you're just playing. I was like Oh.... OK.... Trust I gave some strong feedback! The next time the series was run, that kind of rhetoric was toned down but still, I feel like the message is: "Get married, it's expected of Christians; have lots of babies because God says so". There is no focus on what people are struggling with, which is leading them to not being married.

• Why can't I hold a leadership position in the church just because I am single?

 I know certain positions require one to be married (e.g maybe like an Elder position) but there is no reason why I shouldn't lead a small home group because I am single. Thankfully this is generally not the case at my church. (ST: Not the case at my church either, but we know it's the case at many churches).

• Is my being single 'unbiblical'? 

The church has made the married status the the default 'normal' status. There is so much talk and rhetoric about how God loves marriage etc... It can make one question their self worth; it feels like you cannot be a fulfilled Christian if you're single.

• I feel like race plays an important part in this whole thing. 

I go to a predominantly white church. The unmarried white guys and girls are the youth/varsity kids and a few others who are in their 20s (and most of them are dating someone). The unmarried black people are predominately older women in our 30s. There is not one single black guy of that age group in my church. I think this is common everywhere. The elders in my church are all white and married - all married in their early 20s so can they even relate to my life as a single black 30 something year old woman? No. Worst of all, I don't think the church in general even makes an effort to understand.

• I find it difficult to connect with other women who are married in the church, especially those with children. 

They gravitate towards each other and have their own social events outside of church. Again, I feel like I am always the one making the effort to reach out and form relationships, and they don't try so much. The church is so focused on them and their needs, but by doing that it creates this rift with us unmarried ones. At my church there are a lot of ladies' events, but 90% of them happen during week days and working hours, so I can't attend. So it's mostly married stay at home mums who attend.

• Does the church know how to advise singles who face unique challenges in life?

When I've tried to explain the challenges I face as an older single woman, the response is always "ag shame man, it's tough but God knows the desires of your heart and He has a man for you. He will find you in God's perfect time". (ST: lol!!) OMG!!! You cannot even imagine how angry that makes me!! That doesn't help quite frankly! What if it's not meant for me? What if I am single for life- then what?! And when I say that, I am told I don't have enough faith..... I must just have enough faith.... it will happen. That's not practical advice. Or maybe it is but it just doesn't work for me.

How does that help me when I see everyone around me getting married and having babies etc.... and living the life I can only dream of? How does that help me live on a day to day basis when society looks down on me because of my marital status? How does that help me when I have certain desires that just cannot be fulfilled because I am single? The church likes to act like sexual desire is a myth when you are single and girl, you and I know that's just not true!! (ST: Come on. We're normal people, with normal desires; we just happen to be single!). "Have faith" and "God knows the desires of your heart" may be true, but I feel like there is no attempt to really get to understand how I feel, and not to judge me for feeling that way. Oh the judgement when you express certain things.... Sometimes keeping quiet is better!!

I could go on forever but I really think that the church needs to move with the times. Reality is that there are more single older people in society, and we still want to feel part of the church. The church has to change. As it is at my church for example, there are hardly any singles. We've seen singles come and go and the feedback is mostly I don't feel I fit in. One girl even said to me she wasn't coming back after her first visit because all the prams at the back of the church totally freaked her out LOL!

I wish people at church would take the time to get to know me. Just because I have no husband and children doesn't mean there's nothing else to me. I wish married church people would just life up their heads a little away from their partners and children and notice us singles. I've stopped going to church socials because I know all the talk will be about babies and children and school etc... while I sit in awkward silence. It's like I do not exist at all in their eyes! I just wish the church didn't act like the rest of society, placing marriage on this pedestal, and making those who don't have it feel inadequate.

My pastor asked me recently what the church should do, and to be honest, I can't articulate that yet. I want church to be a space where I can be myself, where every facet of my life matters. Where I can socialise with anyone and everyone, and where I don't feel like I don't fit in certain spaces. But I also think that I am in the minority, right? So does the church have any obligation to understand me, to make space for me etc...? Maybe not. I don't know yet, honestly.

I hope I made sense and thanks again for letting me vent on this:-) I feel very strongly about it!!

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I think those thoughts are awesome, and I'm glad she was able to put into words what I have thought and talked about with friends. Thank you, friend, for your email, and for letting me share it xxx

I'll be posting more about this in the future. and will also post some more feedback on this issue.