Gen 3:7 And the eyes of both of them were opened. And they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made girdles for themselves.

Lately, I have been studying toxic shame and its effects (including addiction) and I am drawn over and over to the story of the Fall. The usual thing is to treat the story of the Fall like a simple story about disobedience, or to revert to the traditional interpretation of the “apple” and “sexual sin” (which, by the way, is not my take on it). It’s telling- to me anyway- how Adam and Eve felt “naked” after eating the fruit, and how they made fig leaves to cover up their nakedness. And when they heard the Lord coming, they hid themselves from him.

It wasn’t just that Adam and Eve knew they had done wrong, although that’s part of it; suddenly they also had a sense that they “weren’t enough”, realized their inadequacy, and by their own efforts they made fig leaves to cover up. They seemed to suddenly be aware of what they truly were (or thought they were), and found that shameful, and wanted to hide it from view. And one would suppose that they thought that it would lead to disapproval and rejection. It’s almost like when children hide their eyes with their hands, supposing that they are now hidden from the other’s view.

One of the core beliefs in toxic shame is the belief that there is an inherent flaw in oneself; that this flaw is deep and “unfixable”. A deep, abiding sense of inadequacy, no matter what one has achieved, or what one is. In fact, it’s almost true of toxic shame that the more one DOES, the more inadequate they feel. It is not enough to just BE; what one is, is not enough. The frightening thing about it is that there is no balance. Your “fatal flaw” may be anything from having wonky teeth to being useless, worthless, worthy of contempt. Whatever the flaw is considered to be, it is considered fatal, unfixable… And so the shame arises from this “thing”. Psychologists say that the result of feeling this way is the creation of a false self, a “mask” we present to the world as the genuine item, as our real self. And don’t be mistaken, much energy is consumed by the psyche in maintaining this self, in not letting the mask slip.

What is worse (if possible) than the effect on oneself, is the effect that toxic shame has on one’s relationships. Because you never show the real you (the “shameful, ugly” you), you never relate honestly. At best, you are a series of half-shown bits of you; at worst, not yourself at all. Whichever way, the other person does not have the benefit of seeing your true self, and so can never accurately relate to you. (More on toxic shame).

The other serious effect is all the things one does to hide the shame from oneself- addictions. (Of course, I’m no shrink, so I cannot fully deal with this here). To mention some common ones, addiction to work, shopping, alcohol, the internet, etc… But other ones that we may not consider addiction, which are borderline OCD may also be signs. Anything, you see, that takes one’s mind off one’s internal pain and shame, and allows one to continue functioning in other ways. The problem with any addiction is that after the gratification (whatever it is), the pain is still there. It is no solution. Like with Adam and Eve, the fig leaves we sew only mask our nakedness, cover it up, do not fix the root of the problem.

We cannot be independent of God. The fallen nature insists we can, and we try to fill our various “holes’ with things we can control (or think we can) like alcohol, relationships, nicotine…. It is the temptation of the Fall over and over again. It is humanity striving to fix the emptiness we may feel inside.

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If you experience toxic shame or suffer its effects, please get help. It is terribly destructive, and damages relationships in the present and in the future (as it can be passed down through generations). The hardest bit is actually coming face to face with yourself, and with the pain- but that has to be the starting point. There is a lot of material on the Internet relating to this topic (just google “toxic shame”), as well as a book that is highly recommended, by John Bradshaw (Healing the shame that binds you). [I have not read it though, only extracts]. If you won’t do it for yourself, then at least do it for your significant other, or- especially- for your children, as they become innocent victims, just as you once were. This is a quote from one of the sites dealing with this:

Without me consciously realizing it shame has controlled a large part of my life, basically since childhood. I was struggling with feelings of inadequacy, “not being good enough”. I tried to proof (sic) my worth by excelling in everything I did. When I did not succeed I believed that I was a failure. I feared rejection because that confirmed my belief that I was not good enough, that there was something wrong with me. I was filled with a feeling of shame and emptiness. In my own eyes I was never perfect enough. I internalized the feeling of shame. I kept it all inside. I tried not to show outside what was going on inside. This led to depression, anxiety and a constant feeling of emptiness.

There are many roots for this feeling, and it helps to understand it. The worst thing about it is how alone you feel. If you are struggling with this and want a sympathetic listener, maybe want to stay anonymous, leave a comment or drop me some mail.