I am one of those people with a tendency to hold onto negative experiences. I argue, of course, that I do so so that I will not repeat the experience; but a good deal of it is fear-based. The rest is so that I can hold a grudge. My grudge list is pretty long… Gets longer every year… And I would say topping it is God.
Now understand that I don’t mean to hold grudges. I just have an entitlement thing going on. Surely I don’t deserve to have so many bad things happen to me? I am not a bad person. So when people cross me, I am entitled to hate them. And when bad things happen to good me, I am entitled to hate God. Right?
It’s been one of those weeks when every sermon I’ve heard (and I have heard many, actually, having access to many Christian TV channels) is about heart attitudes, and specifically negativity. I have come a long way from the time I was wrapped up in depression and all that’s associated with that, thank God; but I still have a terribly hard time holding onto God’s promises. I tell myself it isn’t logical, you see, to assume that things may turn out well. But I am not stupid: you don’t catch me thinking that outright. I am more likely not to reach for the good stuff, the great stuff in life, when the average or really bad stuff is sitting right next to it. No; when trouble comes, I know very well (in my head) what the outcome is likely to be: bad.
So I was sitting quietly with God this week, and wondering (in a moany voice) to Him why no matter how happy and blessed I feel, there is always a place of sadness in my heart... Why I struggle to accept His word as true, and the promises of the Bible. And God seemed to say in the gentlest way, ‘Well, I didn’t put the sadness there.’
‘What do you MEAN You didn’t put it there? You brought all the bad things into my life, all the sad events that have made me a sad person. All the grief, turmoil, hurt I have experienced has been with Your permission.’
And after some silence on His part (which I thought was Him feeling injured), I said, kindly, ‘Well, maybe You didn’t mean to hurt me.’
And then the thought came to me: how long does one need to hold onto their hurt, to feel justified? When is it enough? When is it ok to let go of the fact that Mai Nhingi took my blender and never returned it, that John called me names in the playground, that Jacob left me for a younger woman? How long does one need to hold onto one’s bitterness, grief, hateful feelings, no matter how justified?
It’s a thought, isn’t it? When I complain to the Lord about how I don’t feel the joy that one is supposed to feel as a Christian, this is a very valid point. The verse comes to me
Heb 12:14 Follow after peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no man shall see the Lord:
Heb 12:15 looking carefully lest there be any man that falleth short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby the many be defiled; (KJV)
It’s so easy to become bitter, when one holds onto one’s pain, and nurses it. But bitterness is a poison that defiles you, and can defile all your relationships and every situation you find yourself in. Because of bitterness, something that is a blessing can be tainted with the thought that it’s the calm before the storm/ it’s God dangling a carrot before me/ it’s a temptation for me to let down my guard. It’s perfectly, profoundly human to never want to be let down or hurt again; but it is Divine to let go and move on. As Christians, we need to live by the truth of God’s word, not the facts of our experiences. It all depends on how we look at things, after all. Many times, like Job or Joseph, we cannot know the end when we are going through turmoil; so we do not have enough facts to judge the value of our painful experiences.
Here’s a story (I originally saw it in Daily Bread):
Once there was a farmer whose horse ran away. His neighbor came over to tell him he felt sorry for him, only to be told in return: "Who knows what is good or bad?" The next day, the horse returned, bringing with it eleven wild horses it had met during its adventurous escape. The neighbor came over again, this time to congratulate the farmer on his good fortune. Only to be told once again, "Who knows what is good or bad?" The next day, the farmer's son tried to tame one of the wild horses and fell off, breaking his leg. His neighbor came back again one more time to express how bad he felt. But for the third time, all the farmer had to say was: "Who knows what is good or bad?" The king of that land had started a war, and the following day soldiers came by to draft young men into the army, but because of his injury the son was not taken….
I can see the definite tendency in me to be Eeyore, so I am challenged to go to work and deal with it…
Now understand that I don’t mean to hold grudges. I just have an entitlement thing going on. Surely I don’t deserve to have so many bad things happen to me? I am not a bad person. So when people cross me, I am entitled to hate them. And when bad things happen to good me, I am entitled to hate God. Right?
It’s been one of those weeks when every sermon I’ve heard (and I have heard many, actually, having access to many Christian TV channels) is about heart attitudes, and specifically negativity. I have come a long way from the time I was wrapped up in depression and all that’s associated with that, thank God; but I still have a terribly hard time holding onto God’s promises. I tell myself it isn’t logical, you see, to assume that things may turn out well. But I am not stupid: you don’t catch me thinking that outright. I am more likely not to reach for the good stuff, the great stuff in life, when the average or really bad stuff is sitting right next to it. No; when trouble comes, I know very well (in my head) what the outcome is likely to be: bad.
So I was sitting quietly with God this week, and wondering (in a moany voice) to Him why no matter how happy and blessed I feel, there is always a place of sadness in my heart... Why I struggle to accept His word as true, and the promises of the Bible. And God seemed to say in the gentlest way, ‘Well, I didn’t put the sadness there.’
‘What do you MEAN You didn’t put it there? You brought all the bad things into my life, all the sad events that have made me a sad person. All the grief, turmoil, hurt I have experienced has been with Your permission.’
And after some silence on His part (which I thought was Him feeling injured), I said, kindly, ‘Well, maybe You didn’t mean to hurt me.’
And then the thought came to me: how long does one need to hold onto their hurt, to feel justified? When is it enough? When is it ok to let go of the fact that Mai Nhingi took my blender and never returned it, that John called me names in the playground, that Jacob left me for a younger woman? How long does one need to hold onto one’s bitterness, grief, hateful feelings, no matter how justified?
It’s a thought, isn’t it? When I complain to the Lord about how I don’t feel the joy that one is supposed to feel as a Christian, this is a very valid point. The verse comes to me
Heb 12:14 Follow after peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no man shall see the Lord:
Heb 12:15 looking carefully lest there be any man that falleth short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby the many be defiled; (KJV)
It’s so easy to become bitter, when one holds onto one’s pain, and nurses it. But bitterness is a poison that defiles you, and can defile all your relationships and every situation you find yourself in. Because of bitterness, something that is a blessing can be tainted with the thought that it’s the calm before the storm/ it’s God dangling a carrot before me/ it’s a temptation for me to let down my guard. It’s perfectly, profoundly human to never want to be let down or hurt again; but it is Divine to let go and move on. As Christians, we need to live by the truth of God’s word, not the facts of our experiences. It all depends on how we look at things, after all. Many times, like Job or Joseph, we cannot know the end when we are going through turmoil; so we do not have enough facts to judge the value of our painful experiences.
Here’s a story (I originally saw it in Daily Bread):
Once there was a farmer whose horse ran away. His neighbor came over to tell him he felt sorry for him, only to be told in return: "Who knows what is good or bad?" The next day, the horse returned, bringing with it eleven wild horses it had met during its adventurous escape. The neighbor came over again, this time to congratulate the farmer on his good fortune. Only to be told once again, "Who knows what is good or bad?" The next day, the farmer's son tried to tame one of the wild horses and fell off, breaking his leg. His neighbor came back again one more time to express how bad he felt. But for the third time, all the farmer had to say was: "Who knows what is good or bad?" The king of that land had started a war, and the following day soldiers came by to draft young men into the army, but because of his injury the son was not taken….
I can see the definite tendency in me to be Eeyore, so I am challenged to go to work and deal with it…
2 comments :
Profound & always so accurate my friend. Something I really need to be reminded in my life because its easy to 'become friends' with our bitterness & hang on to it as a shield & something to blame. I know this well. Praying for you as you struggle with yours...pray for me as I struggle to finally release mine as well! (Eeyore has always been my favourite)
Just read this now.Thank you!
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