Loving the unlovable.
It’s been twenty years – more- of angst, of feeling rejected, unloved, like I was not part of you. I sit with you here, and feel somehow that I must pretend to smile when I am broken inside. And then you speak, and the other person at table smiles, as you reminisce about a time when I was left out in the cold. We are supposed to be one blood. I feel I should have been included. And I should be smiling as you talk, but I can’t. Because the truth is that I feel resentment roiling inside me. How can I accept you when you rejected me? How can I honor you when you made so many decisions that left me out in the cold? You left me homeless. You refused to support me financially. You never remembered my birthday. You drove past me when I was on my way to school on foot, on public transport, whether it rained or shone. You rejected me.
And I am commanded to love you.
And I am commanded to honor you.
How do I do that? How do I set aside those years of pain and sadness, as if they never happened? Does that not nullify my pain? How do I ask the Lord to let go of the mistakes that you made that hurt me so much? How do I ask the Lord on your behalf for forgiveness for drawing me into a war that wasn’t mine?
And you laugh. And the other at the table speaks of how you were so good, how you were unfailingly kind. People who should have been part of my life are spoken about, and they are strangers to me. And I should smile, but I am dying inside. And I should let go, it has been so long; but it is as fresh inside as if I have only just uncovered it.
But I must entrust it all to You, Lord. I must hold out the hand of grace to this person who still has no idea how much I hurt, who pushes away any acknowledgment of what was done, that horror that is a silent scream. The scream of my child self. The losses. The shame. The sadness. The confusion. I must not only forgive, but I must seek the other’s highest good. That’s what other-centered love is about. That is what I am called to. That is what I must aspire to.
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3 comments :
How I can feel the pain coming from each word you have written. My heart goes out to you. And yet I am so amazed that you trust & ask God for help thru it. You are an amazing person!
Though I cannot relate to your pain or change it for you, I can relate to the guilt of not being able to, in fact, not WANTING to forgive someone. I too have hurts & angers that I just can't forgive, don't want to forgive yet. I think I almost feel "better" holding on to them. Like I can easily get myself angered or sad by being able to reflect back on them. Oh it should be easy to forgive with Christ's help...but I can't bring myself to ask Him for it yet!
Thanks for the reminder that I do need to forgive. I hope I too can come to the place of asking God to help me WANT to forgive.
Thank u Becky. was debating about whether to put up that post, it's so personal... but now it's worth it. i think these things come slowly; first the Lord shows you (and often we fight Him), and then the Lord slowly changes your heart, if you start to yield. remember the boy's father (Mark 9:24)? he felt he didn't have enough faith (i think), and prayed the Lord would give it to him. the Lord seems to respond to our honesty.
Thanks for that verse. It sums me up quite often. I know what I believe, its the faith I fall short of so often.
I never used to think forgiveness was a big deal - you forgive & move on - until I came to the place where I am now, not wanting to fogive, even though life has moved on & it is so full of joy & blessings. Why can't I forgive? I don't know but I hope that in time I will be able to let it go.
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