“I have grown cold, Lord. My heart has grown cold to God and man. Because of my pain, I have set up a wall that I thought would protect me… And something in me has known that if I become open to You, Your love will make me open to others; so I have shut myself away from you. Nothing in me is motivated by the God-kind of love anymore- how can it be, when Your love makes me weak? I have turned my face away from Your people. The quickest answer I have for anyone is to cut them off… And o Lord the longer I stay in that prison of my own making, the colder my heart grows, and the harder it is to come back…”

That’s something I would have written not too long ago, but grace brought me back.

I have a friend I love, who has fallen out of my favour. It is almost as if she goes out of her way to be rude, overbearing, abrupt, inconsiderate. It has become quite tiresome, actually, rather like dealing with a child’s tantrum; you understand, you plead, you cajole- but it is still emotionally exhausting. So perhaps I have offended her in some way- with women, that’s always a possibility, lol; I considered that for a few seconds, but honestly if you don’t tell me, how am I supposed to know? I won’t waste time trying to divine such things. So, that may seem amusing, but truly it is not.

Another friend asked how I can love this friend when she is so unpleasant- well, I don’t know. Does love change according to the whims of man’s fickleness? (Love is not love/ which alters when it alteration finds.). In that I have been granted grace, because I am more prone to violent fits of temper that destroy relationships, than I am to preserving relationships; and so the Lord has given me the ability to love well past the sell-by date (according to me). Because truly man changes. We are not any longer made to last, not in our bodies, not in our emotions and faithfulness. (The exception is of course the spirit). So of course people change; and it’s my decision to love this woman, in spite of how truly unpleasant it’s becoming to be around her.

But it’s interesting to see how falling away from God affects people, and how drawing closer to God has the opposite effect. I have seen lives changed forever by the revelation of God; and believe me, it’s 100 % true, it’s not by power or might at all. I have seen a woman known for her insane rages, when she would become incredibly violent, changed by the intervention of God (it could be nothing else) into one of the most loving people you could meet. I have seen someone known for their promiscuity reclaim their sexuality for God, and live a holy life (yes, it’s possible). There are many such stories. But I have also seen the other side: I have seen a Christian turn away from God, and fall away into darkness. I have seen a youth pastor give his life over to licentiousness, and lose his calling. I have seen someone gifted in music, a leader in the church, “acknowledge” his homosexuality (controversial, I know), and become prey to any man who is curious. (His decision, and I will not comment except to say that it really is no way to witness to the world; if it was so right, why all the agony, and why do has it given room for people to mock God?)

It breaks my heart to see how we gradually grow cold and indifferent to God, and how first the personality changes, then the character… Paul didn’t say it for nothing when he said:

Gal 6:7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked. For whatever a man sows, that he also will reap.
Gal 6:8 For he sowing to his flesh will reap corruption from the flesh. But he sowing to the Spirit will reap life everlasting from the Spirit.
Gal 6:9 But we should not lose heart in well-doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not faint.
(Thanks to e-sword software).

But the hardest thing must be to stay so open to God that we don’t grow cold… For as long as we are open to His Spirit, we are refreshed, and open to correction before sin takes over us. It is a race, the race of faith, and we can so easily fall away, or “faint”, as the Bible says. Every day, in every way, if you are a Christian, you must look to the Lord for sustenance and direction. In all your joys, yes; but especially in your pain. Because if we are to be honest with ourselves, those are the times that can drive a wedge between us and the presence of God. Those times when you simply do not understand. When you’re angry. When you would rather shut yourself away. That’s when you must press into Him. The Bible says

Heb 10:31 It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

And,
Heb 10:38 Now, "the Just shall live by faith. But if he draws back, My soul shall have no pleasure in him."
(Again, e-sword).

Hang onto the Lord, brother or sister. Don’t let it be said of you:

Gal 5:7 You were running well. Who hindered you that you do not obey the truth?